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Hi!

I have a lot of questions about a lot of things, lets find some answers together shall we?

 

Identity

Identity

I’ve always wondered what I would do if my food allergies disappeared. A dizzy day 
dream that has crossed my mind more times then I can mention. I imagined the foods I would 
eat and the freedom I would experience without the worry. Since it was just a fleeting dream I 
never imagined the emotional affect it may have on me. At a routine check-up with my allergist I 
discovered the emotional turmoil one can experience when a piece of themselves comes into 
question. 


 As I sat hived and itchy, a million non-important thoughts ran through my head. As I 
stepped into my doctors office I expected to hear the usual non-exciting things about my 
allergies; I was not prepared for what followed. My allergist informed me I was eligible for a 
peanut challenge. A medically monitored procedure that allows you too eat regular food and your allergen concealed to see the effects it may have. I was told my levels showed promising signs of a positive result. As he further explained the semantics of the procedure his voice faded out, I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. The room became blurry, time seemed to stop I glanced at my mom who was crying tears of joy, then at my doctor who was smiling. I suppose these were the proper emotions, but I was unaware of how I felt or should feel, for lack of a better term I was emotionless. I walked out of the office in a daze, all the years I dreamed of what I would eat or where I would go if I wasn’t tied down by food allergies could suddenly 
become a closer reality. Now, something that was engrained in my personality, my being, could 
disappear. A feature that shaped who I am and will be, the catalyst behind many of my major life choices, might be gone. How does one cope with with the hole that may leave in your life. The thought of losing that part of me scared me more then the actual results the test may give me. I always associated myself with my food allergies, they make me,me. If I don’t have them, what do I have left. But the allure of living with minimal fear, and being able to experience new foods and new environments was not something I could ignore. Then again, grass isn’t always greener on the other side. 


 I had so many people pulling me in different directions that I was unaware of what 
I should do. One side pushing for me to do the challenge, saying it wouldn’t just be 
a disappointment to me if I didn’t at least try. On the other side I was told not to risk it, 
that something so dangerous shouldn’t rely on percentages. For awhile I felt lost, I walked 
around in a daze half paying attention to everything around me. Confused and full of conflicting 
emotions I bounced between crying hysterics ranging from happy and sad to spurts of bravery 
and fear. For lack of a better word I was a wreck. It is a startling thing to have something so 
ingrained in your being be taken into question. I also feared the backlash of being called a liar 
and a fake from previous classmates and friends for suddenly not having such serious food 
allergies. I’m still on the journey of trying to figure out what makes me me without the 
possibility of food allergies. I have yet to decided what to do, I know an answer won’t come easy or without a price. I am slowly building my confidence and realizing that there is obviously life after food allergies. It will be different and the prospect still scares me but I’ve never lived my 
life with food allergies in fear, so why start now?

 

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign.

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign.

Writing, writing, and then some more writing.

Writing, writing, and then some more writing.